We're still working on getting Derek Fro in. Hopefully very soon. Sorry for the delays.
Anyway, today we're going to look at out first comic book review! It's a comic that I found at a second-hand store, possibly with good reason. Let's check out RoboCop: The Future of Law Enforcement #4.
I should probably add that I know next to nothing about RoboCop.
The cover is odd. It features RoboCop standing in front of a blue background, looking rather uncertain-perhaps even afraid? There is a yellow, jagged-edged balloon bearing the text "INTRODUCING ROBOCOP'S BABY BROTHER??!" Perhaps this refers to the ugly cyborg face that takes up most of the blue background. Here's a look.
The comic opens with an ad for an NES game called Abadox, which according to Wikipedia wasn't very good. Yes, I will be reviewing the ads. It features what looks like a Flash Gordon scuba diver in some sort of creature's belly, fighting weird alien monsters. "Do you have the stomach to battle in the belly of the beast?" it asks. It advertises enemies such as mutant dogs, skeleton fish, guardian ghouls, and "ugly eyeballs". A nice piece of art for the retro-gaming nerd in all of us.
We then hit the first page. RoboCop is walking towards us, looking off the the side. There is a construction site in the background. According to the narration boxes, they are tearing down "Old Detroit" and building "Delta City" in its place. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, does it? You've already got a perfectly good city, even if it is Detroit. How much would something like that cost? The boxes also tell us that this is the dream of a man named Cybex. Apparently, Cybex is insane, "a crippled cybernetic genius seeking revenge on those he believes tricked him." It further tells us that Cybex is a murderer, and that "Cybex is RoboCop's next target." A blowing newspaper on the street in the bottom left corner tells us that the story is called "Dead Man's Dreams" and that it was written by- holy sh*t! The writer's name is Alan Grant! That is awesome. They also credit Tom DeFalco as psychoanalyst. Well... okay.
The next page reveals that RoboCop is tracking down Cybex. He finds a hovervan belonging to one Joseph Pizzarelli, who as humans go looks remarkably like Pizza the Hutt. Pizzarelli is an ex-con who's been clean for five years, since he was in the hospital... the same hospital Cybex was in at the same time! RoboCop disables the hovervan and climbs into the sewer to sneak into Cybex's warehouse. Little does he know, he's being followed by a man named Dek Kyng, thus ensuring that there is nobody in this comic whose name won't set off the spellchecker.
RoboCop breaks through some sort of mesh into the warehouse, next to a staircase. But his sensors pick up a life form that he just can't make sense of. Will we find out on the next page...? No! It's Ad Review time again, with a full page spread! One page is an ad for Bionic Commando, which is actually supposed to be very good. Unfortunately the ad isn't nearly as cool as the Abadox ad. It's mostly text and whitespace, with a picture of the box and a couple of small screenshots. I'm not even going to read it. The second page is the "Entertainment the Month" ad, where they list off all the other comics you could be reading. G.I. Joe, Transformers, Planet of the Apes, X-Factor, Alpha Flight? Man, I'd rather be reading those!
Anyway, on the next page, we see that the life form is, as RoboCop tells us, "A Roboticized Gorilla!" and it attacks RoboCop, jumping on him and hanging on, heavy enough to almost break RoboCop's hydraulics. RoboCop knocks the gorilla (henceforth "Robo Kong") off of him by shooting x-rays out of his eyes. RoboCop seems to have gotten the upper hand for a moment, but he is attacked from behind by a roboticized monkey. How many of these things does Cybex have? How practical is it to build an army of cyborg animals when you're wanted by the police? Anyway, RoboCop is distracted the monkey and Robo Kong knocks him out by boxing his ears.
The next page brings us back to Dek Kyng, who manages to sustain both thought balloons and though boxes for a couple of panels. Very impressive, Mr. Kyng. Apparently, he is trying to kill Cybex against his will. He is being controlled, it seems, by someone called "Darkstone" and his "butchers". He observes that the apes have captured RoboCop but does not interfere. "I'm a robot!" he thinks, "Lord help me, I'm a fraggin' robot!"
We then cut to Lon Planck, a reporter who is also the first character whose name doesn't get a red squiggle under it. He's in a helicopter, reporting on a riot. The riot grew out of a neighborhood street party sponsored by Detroit's "famous soft drink company, Sky Coola". There are armed men in the windows of the buildings, shooting at the crowd. They shoot the helicopter's pilot, and the helicopter crashes into a building. Back at the station, the anchor, Ed, is drinking Sky Coola himself. A voice from off screen reminds him that he is on the air and to put down the coola, to which Ed responds, hilariously, "You can sit on your 'on the air' bull, Jack!" He then goes on to ask the viewers why they are watching "this dreck", and says "Get a life, ya jelloids!" Replace "watching" with "reading" and you have the way I feel right now. I also want to note the screen on the wall behind him. This whole exchange takes place over three panels. In the first one, the screen just has a crooked, partly obscured logo- it looks like it might say "Media Break". In the second panel, the screen has a picture of a woman's butt. In the third panel, it has a close-up of a woman's chest. What kind of news station is this?
Next we have an ad for a contest to win a $5,000 shopping spree. What you had to do was call a number to talk to the Black Manta and tell him you want to enter. No, not that Black Manta. This one. Yeah, it's also an ad for Wrath of the Black Manta. Based on mere seconds of research, I have concluded that the game probably wasn't very good.
Back at the police station, a man named Mr. Johnson is arguing with the police chief (I assume) about helping RoboCop. Mr. Johnson wants them to send as much back-up as possible to help RoboCop. The police chief agrees, but all his units are busy trying to control the riot. RoboCop is on his own.
Meanwhile, RoboCop comes back online, strapped to a table in Cybex's lair. RoboCop tells Cybex to give up, warning him that he's, y'know, breaking laws. As one would expect, Cybex is unimpressed and says he is "destined to make laws, RoboCop. We are above you concepts of right and wrong!" I honestly don't know what RoboCop was hoping would happen. Do criminals really worry about breaking the law?
Murderer: I'm going to kill you! Hahaha!
Victim: No! You can't!
Murderer: Why not?
Victim: It's illegal!
Murderer: It is? Oh... dang. Sorry about that.
Victim: No problem.
Murderer: Thank you for your time.
Cybex has RoboCop hooked into his "Symbio-Box". RoboCop lapses into sleep and Cybex can see his dreams, and learn all his secrets. Like... um, where he hid the diamonds, I guess. RoboCop dreams of being fully human again. We do find out what Cybex wants to learn- he wants to learn how RoboCop's machine body works. But... why would that be in his dreams? Why not just take him apart? Oh well, I guess there'd be no plot. RoboCop dreams of being a cop, and of his ruined body, and finally, of being RoboCop. He manages to repel Cybex's mental incursions, but he can't last long enough, and Cybex learns all his secrets and plans to build his own squad of loyal RoboCops. Bur first, he claims "O.C.P.'s 'old man' has a dept to repay!"
Meanwhile, Dek Kyng creeps up the stairs and peers into the lab. Cybex is on some kind of radio, gloating about his capture of RoboCop. But before we can continue, there's an ad for Double Dragon II: The Revenge. This is what it looks like. I think it looks pretty awesome- it does make me want to play Double Dragon II. Anyway, on the next page, we see that it's the "old man" of the O.C.P. who Cybex is gloating to. Then Cybex puts some kind of hypnotic pattern on the screen (yeah, it's not a radio. My bad.). As Cybex is hypnotizing the "old man", Dek Kyng takes aim with what was earlier described as his "Walthus .387 Repeater". Before he can shoot, however, he's attacked by the robot monkey. When he shakes it off by slamming it into a wall, its cries attract Robo Kong to the scene. What follows is some rather confusing action as Robo Kong beats the tar out of Kyng. Cybex, however, seems concerned that his berserker robot gorilla might be a little too careless around the lab.
Then there's an ad for Super Off Road. The slogan "Hit the Dirt." is displayed above a black-and-white image of two trucks driving across a desert. In front of this, meanwhile, is a ratherUncanny Valley picture of a kid in a racing helmet holding an NES controller. Then there's some text, blah blah blah... Based again on seconds of research, I have concluded that Super Off Road was probably alright.
Robo Kong throws Dek Kyng onto the control panel, which breaks it. Cybex and Pizzarelli (yeah, he was there the whole time) decide to leave. RoboCop comes back online. We then cut back Ed, who seems to be challenging the studio crew to a fight. As they drag him off-camera, he threatens to kill all of them and uses his last seconds to shill Sky Coola. Back to RoboCop, who breaks the old man out of his trance. And then we cut outside to the villains, as they learn that RoboCop has sabotaged Pizzarelli's van. They flee to the construction site we saw earlier, which was actually a demolition site. Geez, I'm getting a lot of stuff wrong with this one, aren't I? RoboCop busts out of.. um, a window or a wall... or some kind of panel... the building. He decides to chase them on foot because his gun is damaged and presumably he can't drive it after them. Then we cut back to Dek Kyng, who is forced to get up and continue his pursuit. Then we jump back to RoboCop, who is attacked by Pizzarelli driving an excavator. RoboCop throws off the excavator by engaging his boosters. Then we cut to Cybex... Christ, why do they keep hopping around? These few pages have more jumps than a kangaroo on a trampoline! They've got more cuts that Freddy Krueger in a fabric shop! They've got more jumpcuts that Freddy Krueger on a trampoline! But I digress. Cybex kills the driver of a crane with a wrecking ball. Then, we get a very cool ad for Dick Tracy- like this but less faded. This is probably my favorite ad in this comic. Fun Fact: I originally thought it was an ad for the Spirit. This is why I probably shouldn't review comics.
Anyway, RoboCop handcuffs Pizzarelli, only to be hit by the wrecking ball, severely damaging several of his systems. He manages to dodge another swing, but Robo Kong throw a section of brick wall at his, damaging his "Robovision" before attacking him itself. Kyng tries to shoot Cybex, but his aim is off due to his injuries- instead, his shot brings down most of the surrounding brickwork. Somehow. He is about finish off Cybex when RoboCop bursts out of the rubble to stop him because, y'know, laws and stuff. In his last 2.* seconds, RoboCop punches out Kyng. Then we get Marvel Bullpen Bulletins, which I guess is a kind of news page. Stan Lee has a feature called "Stan's Soapbox", which is cool. The next page advertises the NES Ghostbusters II game, which was apparently very difficult; Archon, which is apparently pretty good; Stealth ATF, which looks pretty cool I guess; and, bizarrely, a video game based on the The Three Stooges, which apparently was alright but very flawed. Ghostbusters II takes up most of the page, there's a picture of Slimer, who I hate with a passion, and big red letters inquiring as to Who Ya Gonna Call For Great Nintendo Action.
The next page shows us a rather battered Ed back on the air, telling us that the trace of the violence has been found. To no one's surprise, it was Sky Coola- or rather, a cbatch contaminated by Aggro-B, an experimental military aggression drug. He then begins shilling a new drink called "H 2 Eau", which is kind of funny I guess. Still, what kind of news station is this?
We then cut back to the demolition site, where Mr. Johnson is reactivating RoboCop's communications system. He tells RoboCop how much money all these damages are going to cost. RoboCop tells him it's worth it and says that a crime is happening, and that he can stop it. Mr. Johnson agrees, telling him, "soon." The box in the corners says: "Next Issue: War Machine!" But we will never know what that means because God willing, I will never read another RoboCop comic.
The next three pages are ads- one is Marvel's "Lifeform" limited series, the second is a subscription page for various comics, and the third is for some kind og hand-held Konami games- in particular Bottom of the Ninth and The Adventures of Bayou Billy. The back of the book is an ad for the Advanced Dungeons & Dragons 2nd Edition book, Forgotten Realms Adventures. Most of it is this picture, the cover of the book. I kind of want a poster of it.
This comic isn't bad per say, but it's unenjoyable. The art's not bad, but the fight scenes are confusing and the keep just sticking in random colours instead of backgrounds. The story is already too deep for newcomers and it's only the fourth issue! Maybe it would help if i actually knew anything about RoboCop, but that doesn't change the fact that the best things avout this comic are the robot gorilla and a couple of the ads. I've gone on long enough about this, so I'm cutting it off here. Look forward to Derek Fro soon enough.
Anyway, today we're going to look at out first comic book review! It's a comic that I found at a second-hand store, possibly with good reason. Let's check out RoboCop: The Future of Law Enforcement #4.
I should probably add that I know next to nothing about RoboCop.
The cover is odd. It features RoboCop standing in front of a blue background, looking rather uncertain-perhaps even afraid? There is a yellow, jagged-edged balloon bearing the text "INTRODUCING ROBOCOP'S BABY BROTHER??!" Perhaps this refers to the ugly cyborg face that takes up most of the blue background. Here's a look.
The comic opens with an ad for an NES game called Abadox, which according to Wikipedia wasn't very good. Yes, I will be reviewing the ads. It features what looks like a Flash Gordon scuba diver in some sort of creature's belly, fighting weird alien monsters. "Do you have the stomach to battle in the belly of the beast?" it asks. It advertises enemies such as mutant dogs, skeleton fish, guardian ghouls, and "ugly eyeballs". A nice piece of art for the retro-gaming nerd in all of us.
We then hit the first page. RoboCop is walking towards us, looking off the the side. There is a construction site in the background. According to the narration boxes, they are tearing down "Old Detroit" and building "Delta City" in its place. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, does it? You've already got a perfectly good city, even if it is Detroit. How much would something like that cost? The boxes also tell us that this is the dream of a man named Cybex. Apparently, Cybex is insane, "a crippled cybernetic genius seeking revenge on those he believes tricked him." It further tells us that Cybex is a murderer, and that "Cybex is RoboCop's next target." A blowing newspaper on the street in the bottom left corner tells us that the story is called "Dead Man's Dreams" and that it was written by- holy sh*t! The writer's name is Alan Grant! That is awesome. They also credit Tom DeFalco as psychoanalyst. Well... okay.
The next page reveals that RoboCop is tracking down Cybex. He finds a hovervan belonging to one Joseph Pizzarelli, who as humans go looks remarkably like Pizza the Hutt. Pizzarelli is an ex-con who's been clean for five years, since he was in the hospital... the same hospital Cybex was in at the same time! RoboCop disables the hovervan and climbs into the sewer to sneak into Cybex's warehouse. Little does he know, he's being followed by a man named Dek Kyng, thus ensuring that there is nobody in this comic whose name won't set off the spellchecker.
RoboCop breaks through some sort of mesh into the warehouse, next to a staircase. But his sensors pick up a life form that he just can't make sense of. Will we find out on the next page...? No! It's Ad Review time again, with a full page spread! One page is an ad for Bionic Commando, which is actually supposed to be very good. Unfortunately the ad isn't nearly as cool as the Abadox ad. It's mostly text and whitespace, with a picture of the box and a couple of small screenshots. I'm not even going to read it. The second page is the "Entertainment the Month" ad, where they list off all the other comics you could be reading. G.I. Joe, Transformers, Planet of the Apes, X-Factor, Alpha Flight? Man, I'd rather be reading those!
Anyway, on the next page, we see that the life form is, as RoboCop tells us, "A Roboticized Gorilla!" and it attacks RoboCop, jumping on him and hanging on, heavy enough to almost break RoboCop's hydraulics. RoboCop knocks the gorilla (henceforth "Robo Kong") off of him by shooting x-rays out of his eyes. RoboCop seems to have gotten the upper hand for a moment, but he is attacked from behind by a roboticized monkey. How many of these things does Cybex have? How practical is it to build an army of cyborg animals when you're wanted by the police? Anyway, RoboCop is distracted the monkey and Robo Kong knocks him out by boxing his ears.
The next page brings us back to Dek Kyng, who manages to sustain both thought balloons and though boxes for a couple of panels. Very impressive, Mr. Kyng. Apparently, he is trying to kill Cybex against his will. He is being controlled, it seems, by someone called "Darkstone" and his "butchers". He observes that the apes have captured RoboCop but does not interfere. "I'm a robot!" he thinks, "Lord help me, I'm a fraggin' robot!"
We then cut to Lon Planck, a reporter who is also the first character whose name doesn't get a red squiggle under it. He's in a helicopter, reporting on a riot. The riot grew out of a neighborhood street party sponsored by Detroit's "famous soft drink company, Sky Coola". There are armed men in the windows of the buildings, shooting at the crowd. They shoot the helicopter's pilot, and the helicopter crashes into a building. Back at the station, the anchor, Ed, is drinking Sky Coola himself. A voice from off screen reminds him that he is on the air and to put down the coola, to which Ed responds, hilariously, "You can sit on your 'on the air' bull, Jack!" He then goes on to ask the viewers why they are watching "this dreck", and says "Get a life, ya jelloids!" Replace "watching" with "reading" and you have the way I feel right now. I also want to note the screen on the wall behind him. This whole exchange takes place over three panels. In the first one, the screen just has a crooked, partly obscured logo- it looks like it might say "Media Break". In the second panel, the screen has a picture of a woman's butt. In the third panel, it has a close-up of a woman's chest. What kind of news station is this?
Next we have an ad for a contest to win a $5,000 shopping spree. What you had to do was call a number to talk to the Black Manta and tell him you want to enter. No, not that Black Manta. This one. Yeah, it's also an ad for Wrath of the Black Manta. Based on mere seconds of research, I have concluded that the game probably wasn't very good.
Back at the police station, a man named Mr. Johnson is arguing with the police chief (I assume) about helping RoboCop. Mr. Johnson wants them to send as much back-up as possible to help RoboCop. The police chief agrees, but all his units are busy trying to control the riot. RoboCop is on his own.
Meanwhile, RoboCop comes back online, strapped to a table in Cybex's lair. RoboCop tells Cybex to give up, warning him that he's, y'know, breaking laws. As one would expect, Cybex is unimpressed and says he is "destined to make laws, RoboCop. We are above you concepts of right and wrong!" I honestly don't know what RoboCop was hoping would happen. Do criminals really worry about breaking the law?
Murderer: I'm going to kill you! Hahaha!
Victim: No! You can't!
Murderer: Why not?
Victim: It's illegal!
Murderer: It is? Oh... dang. Sorry about that.
Victim: No problem.
Murderer: Thank you for your time.
Cybex has RoboCop hooked into his "Symbio-Box". RoboCop lapses into sleep and Cybex can see his dreams, and learn all his secrets. Like... um, where he hid the diamonds, I guess. RoboCop dreams of being fully human again. We do find out what Cybex wants to learn- he wants to learn how RoboCop's machine body works. But... why would that be in his dreams? Why not just take him apart? Oh well, I guess there'd be no plot. RoboCop dreams of being a cop, and of his ruined body, and finally, of being RoboCop. He manages to repel Cybex's mental incursions, but he can't last long enough, and Cybex learns all his secrets and plans to build his own squad of loyal RoboCops. Bur first, he claims "O.C.P.'s 'old man' has a dept to repay!"
Meanwhile, Dek Kyng creeps up the stairs and peers into the lab. Cybex is on some kind of radio, gloating about his capture of RoboCop. But before we can continue, there's an ad for Double Dragon II: The Revenge. This is what it looks like. I think it looks pretty awesome- it does make me want to play Double Dragon II. Anyway, on the next page, we see that it's the "old man" of the O.C.P. who Cybex is gloating to. Then Cybex puts some kind of hypnotic pattern on the screen (yeah, it's not a radio. My bad.). As Cybex is hypnotizing the "old man", Dek Kyng takes aim with what was earlier described as his "Walthus .387 Repeater". Before he can shoot, however, he's attacked by the robot monkey. When he shakes it off by slamming it into a wall, its cries attract Robo Kong to the scene. What follows is some rather confusing action as Robo Kong beats the tar out of Kyng. Cybex, however, seems concerned that his berserker robot gorilla might be a little too careless around the lab.
Then there's an ad for Super Off Road. The slogan "Hit the Dirt." is displayed above a black-and-white image of two trucks driving across a desert. In front of this, meanwhile, is a ratherUncanny Valley picture of a kid in a racing helmet holding an NES controller. Then there's some text, blah blah blah... Based again on seconds of research, I have concluded that Super Off Road was probably alright.
Robo Kong throws Dek Kyng onto the control panel, which breaks it. Cybex and Pizzarelli (yeah, he was there the whole time) decide to leave. RoboCop comes back online. We then cut back Ed, who seems to be challenging the studio crew to a fight. As they drag him off-camera, he threatens to kill all of them and uses his last seconds to shill Sky Coola. Back to RoboCop, who breaks the old man out of his trance. And then we cut outside to the villains, as they learn that RoboCop has sabotaged Pizzarelli's van. They flee to the construction site we saw earlier, which was actually a demolition site. Geez, I'm getting a lot of stuff wrong with this one, aren't I? RoboCop busts out of.. um, a window or a wall... or some kind of panel... the building. He decides to chase them on foot because his gun is damaged and presumably he can't drive it after them. Then we cut back to Dek Kyng, who is forced to get up and continue his pursuit. Then we jump back to RoboCop, who is attacked by Pizzarelli driving an excavator. RoboCop throws off the excavator by engaging his boosters. Then we cut to Cybex... Christ, why do they keep hopping around? These few pages have more jumps than a kangaroo on a trampoline! They've got more cuts that Freddy Krueger in a fabric shop! They've got more jumpcuts that Freddy Krueger on a trampoline! But I digress. Cybex kills the driver of a crane with a wrecking ball. Then, we get a very cool ad for Dick Tracy- like this but less faded. This is probably my favorite ad in this comic. Fun Fact: I originally thought it was an ad for the Spirit. This is why I probably shouldn't review comics.
Anyway, RoboCop handcuffs Pizzarelli, only to be hit by the wrecking ball, severely damaging several of his systems. He manages to dodge another swing, but Robo Kong throw a section of brick wall at his, damaging his "Robovision" before attacking him itself. Kyng tries to shoot Cybex, but his aim is off due to his injuries- instead, his shot brings down most of the surrounding brickwork. Somehow. He is about finish off Cybex when RoboCop bursts out of the rubble to stop him because, y'know, laws and stuff. In his last 2.* seconds, RoboCop punches out Kyng. Then we get Marvel Bullpen Bulletins, which I guess is a kind of news page. Stan Lee has a feature called "Stan's Soapbox", which is cool. The next page advertises the NES Ghostbusters II game, which was apparently very difficult; Archon, which is apparently pretty good; Stealth ATF, which looks pretty cool I guess; and, bizarrely, a video game based on the The Three Stooges, which apparently was alright but very flawed. Ghostbusters II takes up most of the page, there's a picture of Slimer, who I hate with a passion, and big red letters inquiring as to Who Ya Gonna Call For Great Nintendo Action.
The next page shows us a rather battered Ed back on the air, telling us that the trace of the violence has been found. To no one's surprise, it was Sky Coola- or rather, a cbatch contaminated by Aggro-B, an experimental military aggression drug. He then begins shilling a new drink called "H 2 Eau", which is kind of funny I guess. Still, what kind of news station is this?
We then cut back to the demolition site, where Mr. Johnson is reactivating RoboCop's communications system. He tells RoboCop how much money all these damages are going to cost. RoboCop tells him it's worth it and says that a crime is happening, and that he can stop it. Mr. Johnson agrees, telling him, "soon." The box in the corners says: "Next Issue: War Machine!" But we will never know what that means because God willing, I will never read another RoboCop comic.
The next three pages are ads- one is Marvel's "Lifeform" limited series, the second is a subscription page for various comics, and the third is for some kind og hand-held Konami games- in particular Bottom of the Ninth and The Adventures of Bayou Billy. The back of the book is an ad for the Advanced Dungeons & Dragons 2nd Edition book, Forgotten Realms Adventures. Most of it is this picture, the cover of the book. I kind of want a poster of it.
This comic isn't bad per say, but it's unenjoyable. The art's not bad, but the fight scenes are confusing and the keep just sticking in random colours instead of backgrounds. The story is already too deep for newcomers and it's only the fourth issue! Maybe it would help if i actually knew anything about RoboCop, but that doesn't change the fact that the best things avout this comic are the robot gorilla and a couple of the ads. I've gone on long enough about this, so I'm cutting it off here. Look forward to Derek Fro soon enough.
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